I've been realizing a lot of things lately. I've been in a constant state of self reflection for the better part of a year now (when I say "constant" I do mean it) It is very frustrating and very confusing.
I have so many thoughts running through my head about myself, the world and how it works, my place in the world and how my mind works, about how I want to live and how much I want to live. I want to do something intellegent with all of these revelations but I'm, quit honestly, overwhelmed. I feel like all of my inspiration and ideas have the proper right to escape my brain and find someone else who is actually competent and artful or stay with me and die with my body, never to see the light of day.
My anxiety has reached some fever pitches in this time. A couple of people (very close to me) have told me that it's because I am a perfectionist. I may well be but I am the wrong type of perfectionist. I feel as though I am a strange breed of "perfectionist" who is stiffled by the possibility of failure. I stop myself in my tracks when I don't feel like I can do something to the best of my ability. If I can't find the right words for a lyric or the right color for the grass or the right melody for a song I often just don't want to begin.
Even now I feel like, when I am done with this, I will not have even cracked the surface of what I am trying to express. I'm forcing myself into this stream of consciousness and where I end up will probably be somewhere else entirely.
When I know I have to explain something somewhat complicated to someone I begin to stutter. I become flustered. I feel like I need to collect atleast a dozen pieces of proof just to make a statement. I need to make concrete patterns and line them in a tidy row in order to mold my daily philosophies. Deviation from my patterns is unfavorable. This, however, conflicts with my need for objectivity and flexibility of rules and my disdain for authority and people telling me what I have to do. I question everything yet I have these facist run thought processes.
I've done my favorite drawings in class when I am supposed to be taking notes. I've written the best songs when I should have been writting a paper about biology. I'll read all day if I stumble upon something good... but I've been planning to finish Crime and Punishment for a year now and it might not ever happen.
Although people compliment my "talents" I often forget about those and size myself up to everyone around me, especially people on television. I might be totally uninterested in their activities but I still wonder why "I never thought of that." I want to know how other people see this world. Although, I know that everyone is equally confused. I want to make a large mark on this world so that whoever seeks the answers to the same questions can use these disjointed thoughts if for nothing more than a scense of comfort. That is what my heros have done for me and that is my aspiration.
A conclusion to this is pretty much impossible. This is rambling. I was born for it just like Woody Guthrie. I hope no one reads this. This isn't all that I am but It's what's on my mind for the moment. This will end now because I've been distracted by an episode of Star Trek. I'll end on saying that life is difficult and even though I know that life is the journey and not the destination It's hard for me to fight myself all the time.
Posting this is dangerous because this is such a small fraction of the huge story. It may not even be true tomorrow. It may only be true again a week from now. That is what part of this is all about. How the hell are human beings ever supposed to remember these things enough to put them all together? I want my enlightenment.